# Guaranteed Tips (almost)



## zephyr43 (Apr 13, 2019)

I have 23,000 trips as a rideshare driver. If used in its entirety this gets tips, especially from men, almost 90% of the time. Just know you gotta get the timing down and, of course, send me royalties.
I pull up to pax. I always state the name, and, when they are in, the destination. Then, almost all the time, I get some form of the question " how ya doing?"
[ here's where working for the tip starts]

Well, I'm better than I was but not as good as I'll be... and I get better everyday...
[Pause for any response]
At least that's what my girlfriend says... but that's way too much detail for you.
[Pause]
...and my wife don't like when I say that...
[Pause for the chuckling that almost always begins]
But really, since you asked...

So I was constipated last week and got me to thinking about when I was constipated as a kid.
Back then doctor gave me a handful of suppositories and sent me home.
Went back to him the following week with the suppositories I had left. Told him I was eating them all week and for all the good they did me I might as well have stuck em up my ass.

[Pause]
The doctor just looked at me a little like I was weird and told me he could write a new prescription. He told me I looked to be about 150 pounds and I told him he was right but my balls weighed 75 pounds.
He just looked at me like I was half nuts... which, technically he was right.

[Pause]

So he reachs into his pocket for his pen, pulls out this object, looks at it and says "shit, it's my rectal thermometer. Some asshole has my pen."
[Pause while most Male pax are now lol]

At that point I left. I was tired of his crap.
So I went home, drank a couple six packs and got shit faced.
[Pause]
Which I should have done at the start, because now I've had the runs all week.
And now you know why everyone thinks I'm an asshole!
[Pause]
And thats how I am. Since you asked....

And, by the way, tips are greatly appreciated for brightening up your day."
END.

If you time it perfectly for the drop the tips do come.


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## Zebonkey (Feb 2, 2016)

If I had to listen to this, I'd be asking you for a tip.
Seriously, it's, like, from the 60s.
You know, what I appreciate in random people?
When I ask them, how they are doing, they answer "good" and do not share any details with me, or try out some stale comedy routine on me.


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## Disgusted Driver (Jan 9, 2015)

Wow, you have inflicted that on 20k+ people? Alone, I might let you go without interrupting you. If my girl was with me I would tell you to lose it right away. Either way, you lost your tip.


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## TomTheAnt (Jan 1, 2019)

Zebonkey said:


> If I had to listen to this, I'd be asking you for a tip.
> Seriously, it's, like, from the 60s.
> You know, what I appreciate in random people?
> When I ask them, how they are doing, they answer "good" and do not share any details with me, or try out some stale comedy routine on me.


Gotta agree with this guy here.


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## zephyr43 (Apr 13, 2019)

Disgusted Driver said:


> Wow, you have inflicted that on 20k+ people? Alone, I might let you go without interrupting you. If my girl was with me I would tell you to lose it right away. Either way, you lost your tip.


You use it like anything else. Selectively. If you have no common sense there isn't any sense talking to you. I dont use it with granny going to get her car at the shop or a young coed going to class.But when you use it with the guys going to or coming from the bar or taking the college kid for his flight at the airport, as examples, it works.
For someone like you, who takes things literally, well, it font make much sense that common sense dont make no sense no more.


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## SHalester (Aug 25, 2019)

zephyr43 said:


> But when you use it with the guys


lost me right there. majority of my pax are women. And I'd never say anything that was aiming for a tip. Methinks the opposite would occur. TMI will never result in a tip.


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## Disgusted Driver (Jan 9, 2015)

zephyr43 said:


> You use it like anything else. Selectively. If you have no common sense there isn't any sense talking to you. I dont use it with granny going to get her car at the shop or a young coed going to class.But when you use it with the guys going to or coming from the bar or taking the college kid for his flight at the airport, as examples, it works.
> For someone like you, who takes things literally, well, it font make much sense that common sense dont make no sense no more.


I don't know about literally but I guess I need to be clearer with you, I find the whole routine in poor taste, inappropriate and more likely to get you deactivated. Can't believe you get away with that crap.


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## Wonkytonk (Jan 28, 2018)

Disgusted Driver said:


> I don't know about literally but I guess I need to be clearer with you, I find the whole routine in poor taste, inappropriate and more likely to get you deactivated. Can't believe you get away with that crap.


I don't know that I would go that far but I will say that the shtick he describes is not something I would be open to. He starts to lose me with that overly long greeting response to how are you doing, and with the girlfriend response I'm telling him I'm sorry but I need to concentrate on my work.


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## Sepelion (Oct 28, 2019)

1) You’re *name* right? (pax: yes) 
2) Going to *address* right? (pax: yes) 
3) Great. I'll hit the gas then *leans to the side and rips a subway nightmare*


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## Mikeh013 (Jun 27, 2019)

Some people think they're a whole lot funnier than they are.

Some people think they're a whole lot funnier than they are.


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## The queen 👸 (Jan 2, 2020)

zephyr43 said:


> I have 23,000 trips as a rideshare driver. If used in its entirety this gets tips, especially from men, almost 90% of the time. Just know you gotta get the timing down and, of course, send me royalties.
> I pull up to pax. I always state the name, and, when they are in, the destination. Then, almost all the time, I get some form of the question " how ya doing?"
> [ here's where working for the tip starts]
> 
> ...


You work for your money mate .


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