# New Driver, Lost Underwear on 1st Shift



## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


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## Roadkill (Mar 10, 2016)

Uber pros usually don't wipe but you must be fancy....


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## Disgusted Driver (Jan 9, 2015)

I think in this case your tighty ******'s are tax deductible from the earnings you'll never see. Uber On and do more rides so that you can afford the 3 pack for better savings!


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## ctuber (Feb 2, 2015)

Best first day story ever!! Uber on, it only gets worse from here.


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## chitownXdriver (Dec 24, 2014)

First time I'm hearing anything like that, very clever and imaginative of you, you should have taken a video to teach all the future newbies what to do!


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## DocT (Jul 16, 2015)

That's what the left hand is for.


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## chitownXdriver (Dec 24, 2014)

DocT said:


> That's what the left hand is for.


Especially if you don't wash it afterwards, extra flavor for your chips. YUMMY!


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## MarcG (Feb 12, 2016)

Another category of expense to account for.
Maybe send Uber a photo and request a cleaning fee.


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## agtg (Jun 8, 2016)

Do they even _have_ Uber Pool in your market?


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## steveK2016 (Jul 31, 2016)

Hilarious!


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## Fuzzyelvis (Dec 7, 2014)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


Actually, it has been mentioned on this forum. We're much more informative than anything Uber puts out.


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## DriverX (Aug 5, 2015)

I'm assuming this is joke. Who doesn't check for TP before sitting down! Don't you wipe the seat off first? 

Anyway, if this is the level of advice you need, please find a less challenging way to spend your mornings.


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## Another Uber Driver (May 27, 2015)

Here I sit in all the vapour,
Some damned bastard stole the paper...................



DocT said:


> That's what the left hand is for.


What do you do if you are left-handed?


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## DriverX (Aug 5, 2015)

Lefties are burnt at the stake, problem solved.


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## Another Uber Driver (May 27, 2015)

DriverX said:


> Lefties are burnt at the stake, problem solved.


I am originally from Salem, Massachusetts. They tried that one, already. It did not work. My Church tried that one, as well. It did not work for them, either.


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## DriverX (Aug 5, 2015)

Left handed Muslim in Salem Mass... yah you're screwed.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

DriverX said:


> I'm assuming this is joke. Who doesn't check for TP before sitting down! Don't you wipe the seat off first?
> 
> Anyway, if this is the level of advice you need, please find a less challenging way to spend your mornings.


Got to give him credit though. If he came here looking for advice on how to wipe his ass
then I would submit that this is THE PLACE to come first and foremost. No other Forum compares.


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## shiftydrake (Dec 12, 2015)

Well he could have used the ole' marine way ........left/right hand (weaker hand) and bowl of water.......I won't explain.....or the corn cob way...2 red corn cob and white corn cob...first use red cob..then use white one to see if you need the other red one......wash,rinse,repeat......


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## Another Uber Driver (May 27, 2015)

DriverX said:


> Left handed Muslim in Salem Mass... yah you're screwed.


I am not a Moslem. I am Catholic.


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## DriverX (Aug 5, 2015)

So your drunk on booze not religion.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

shiftydrake said:


> Well he could have used the ole' marine way
> .....left/right hand (weaker hand) and bowl of water


In the Air Force, the Airmen are taught how to wipe with one square of tp.
Just one single square. Impressive ! Don't ask why they have time to teach things like this....


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## Jo3030 (Jan 2, 2016)

Don't worry, Uber will ensure you won't be able to buy any toilet paper.


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## cannonball7 (Feb 18, 2016)

Uberdude1267,

Come to my new store and buy some quality sexy underwear.

It is called *Victor's Secrets. *

We used to have this tiny corner area for men in Victoria's Secrets but we didn't get much sales.

When you come into the store, mention the promo code: _*poopy pants*_, and get 30% off your second pair of underwear you buy.

No returns btw. Especially after you divulged how you used this last pair of underwear.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

Jo3030 said:


> Don't worry, Uber will ensure you won't be able to buy any toilet paper.


Many Lyft drivers have ample toiler paper and uber drivers are green with envy.

 <---- I told him green and look at him....He goes strait for the hate.
Green....envy, envy...not angry...he never listens. Don't know how he even wipes himself...

He gets mad when there's no reason too... I could bring a pallet of quilted northern and
still, he goes on about people wasting toilet paper and how they don't have any in North Korea
and on and on and on.....


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


Your ability to adapt and overcome shows great promise for your future as an Uber driver. Overcoming adversity and preserverance is a key quality. Uber on.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

tohunt4me said:


> Your ability to adapt and overcome shows great promise for your future as an Uber driver.
> Overcoming adversity and preserverance is a key quality. Uber on.


Yes, echo what tohunt4me said... and great job !
Any lesser driver might have crapped his pants.
Truly inspiring. 5 stars to you, sir !

(...makes me a bit emotional...)


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

UTX1 said:


> Yes, echo what tohunt4me said... and great job !
> Any lesser driver might have crapped his pants.
> 5 stars to you, sir !


He is a candidate for the Uber Skidmark Award.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

tohunt4me said:


> He is a candidate for the Uber Skidmark Award.


Honorary degree from Brown University.


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

UTX1 said:


> Honorary degree from Brown University.


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## Disgusted Driver (Jan 9, 2015)

tohunt4me and UTX1 , Gentlemen, you outdo yourselves, somewhere between Skidmark Award and Brown Univ. I lost it.


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## shiftydrake (Dec 12, 2015)

Most of the time I laugh whenever I read these boards........and periodically I post something funny myself


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## Who35 (Nov 19, 2015)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


And the Acadamey Award goes to.....you! Best first story ever!


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## LASAC_BER (May 19, 2016)

With time, you will learn how to spread and force with such energy, that no wiping will be required at all.
Then, and only then, will you achieve uber shangri-la.


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## Manotas (Dec 2, 2015)

uhhhh!!!! I just spit my coffee laughing. I will send Eewber a cleaning fee for my shirt


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## Just Another Uber Drive (Jul 15, 2015)

He doesn't know how to use the three seashells.


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

Just Another Uber Drive said:


> He doesn't know how to use the three seashells.


Just watched that movie !
After this thread.


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## Lowestformofwit (Sep 2, 2016)

First law of professional driving:
"Try not to sit motion-less".
Thread title got me in - thought he'd got lucky first time out.
Turned out to be 'turd time unlucky'.


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## OnTheLoose (Jul 10, 2016)

This thread is goddamn hilarious.


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## F213 (Nov 3, 2015)

Just carry a pack of baby wipes. Every time you go to a fast food place or something with napkin dispensers... stock up on those (napkins) too.

The baby wipes I've seen them as cheap as .99 cents a pack. I learned that from long hiking trips where the first few times I had to use leaves.


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

To the OP, thank whomever you pray to that you weren't flying commando.


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## Lowestformofwit (Sep 2, 2016)

OnTheLoose said:


> This thread is goddamn hilarious.


Your screen name seems somehow apt in this thread, after the OP's sacrificial offering.


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## UberLaLa (Sep 6, 2015)

Since you asked...how about the Millennial answer to your question (and, sorry about this, but you did ask):


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## 58756 (May 30, 2016)

Just make sure not to go to Chipotle if you guys plan on Ubering or Lyfting frequently. Chipotle always has the same effect of giving me non stop diarrhea and I narrowed down the culprit to their mild greenish looking sauce. I was transporting passengers one time and the Chipotle I ate earlier or a day before caused me to suddenly wanna explode everything out and I had to drive faster to drop them off and went to nearest gas station where I exploded careless of if a paper toilet was there or not.

Doctors can just referr patients to Chipotle instead of sticking tubes up their butts to clean their cologne.


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## Ringo (Jul 2, 2016)

And like sand through the hour glass so does the days of our lives. Before I even read the opening post I thought it was underwear from the pax.


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## Ringo (Jul 2, 2016)

Bunch of chainwipers before ya


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## ubershiza (Jan 19, 2015)

This is a very shtty topic.


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## chopstick (Aug 3, 2016)

I had Qdoba the other day before Uber'ing... big mistake.

Now I just pack all my food, it's better to save money anyway.


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## 60000_TaxiFares (Dec 3, 2015)

ubershiza said:


> This is a very shtty topic.


Allright , Ok... point made, ... Brown University, vapor and toilet paper... settle down, as you were... next thread.

You guys in the back row... this means you....

CC


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## DriverX (Aug 5, 2015)

LASAC_BER said:


> With time, you will learn how to spread and force with such energy, that no wiping will be required at all.
> Then, and only then, will you achieve uber shangri-la.


Be careful you could hurt yourself, and I don't think Obama covers that.


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## DriverX (Aug 5, 2015)

F213 said:


> Just carry a pack of baby wipes. Every time you go to a fast food place or something with napkin dispensers... stock up on those (napkins) too.
> 
> The baby wipes I've seen them as cheap as .99 cents a pack. I learned that from long hiking trips where the first few times I had to use leaves.


TMI


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## dfwnuber (Sep 12, 2016)

1. I always have a change of clothes.

2. I always have a few napkins in my back pocket.

3. I am careful of what I eat and when.

4. I always check for paper.

Tips from a professional truck driver.


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## 60000_TaxiFares (Dec 3, 2015)

dfwnuber said:


> 1. I always have a change of clothes.
> 
> 2. I always have a few napkins in my back pocket.
> 
> ...


I'm always be careful of what I eat (stuff in dumpsters is _definitely_ off the menu since that thing last year)

I too seem to have napkins in my back pocket often even though I'm between jobs now....

Sometimes I worry about me...

Stay Safe

CC


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## Lowestformofwit (Sep 2, 2016)

60000_TaxiFares said:


> I'm always be careful of what I eat (stuff in dumpsters is _definitely_ off the menu since that thing last year)


Coming soon: Cafe Dumpster - a new budget-priced social hub for Uber drivers between rides; a place to whine & dine.
Meals? - All fare cheap, but won't sustain you for long. Quantity may be up to 25% less than advertising implies.
After eating there, you may feel a "surge" coming on, up to 4 hours later.


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## Slim Pete (Nov 21, 2014)

Well then if there's no toilet paper......leave your bum dirty......and....let the Pool passengers smell Poop.


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## Slim Pete (Nov 21, 2014)

DriverX said:


> I'm assuming this is joke. Who doesn't check for TP before sitting down! Don't you wipe the seat off first?
> 
> Anyway, if this is the level of advice you need, please find a less challenging way to spend your mornings.


Do you even sit down on those seats?

YUCK


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## Chicago-uber (Jun 18, 2014)

Next time use your tips to wipe your butt. Uber drivers get a lot of tips.


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## nash801 (Apr 17, 2016)

MarcG said:


> Another category of expense to account for.
> Maybe send Uber a photo and request a cleaning fee.


love this reply! esp with travis pic


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## UberIsAllFubared (Feb 24, 2016)

At least you didn't have to use the porta potty at the Pig Pen at LAX.


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## Fireguy50 (Nov 23, 2015)

tohunt4me said:


> Your ability to adapt and overcome shows great promise for your future as an Uber driver. Overcoming adversity and preserverance is a key quality. Uber on.


In college I had a math final exam in a monitored room (cameras, clear glass, timer, observers, etc)  You couldn't leave the room for anything, if you walked out the door they took your test and graded it, even if it was incomplete.  I was getting sick  and my nose wouldn't stop running, so I took off my sock and kept wiping my nose with a sock.  I used the entire hour (one of the last people to leave) because I couldn't focus, and NO I didn't get a good grade on that test


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## Fireguy50 (Nov 23, 2015)

F213 said:


> Just carry a pack of baby wipes. Every time you go to a fast food place or something with napkin dispensers... stock up on those (napkins) too.
> 
> The baby wipes I've seen them as cheap as .99 cents a pack. I learned that from long hiking trips where the first few times I had to use leaves.


I'm glad I'm part time enough that I've never pooped while Uber'ing. always back home!


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## Lowestformofwit (Sep 2, 2016)

I'd like to "propose a motion" regarding this thread......


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

Lowestformofwit said:


> I'd like to "propose a motion" regarding this thread......


Ooh ooh I love parliamentary procedure.


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## Lowestformofwit (Sep 2, 2016)

TwoFiddyMile said:


> Ooh ooh I love parliamentary procedure.


Glad to hear it. 
The motion wiill be presented during the next "sitting", in that case.


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## Fireguy50 (Nov 23, 2015)

Lowestformofwit said:


> I'd like to "propose a motion" regarding this thread......


I'll" second that motion"!
"All in favor"?


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

Eye.


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## Lowestformofwit (Sep 2, 2016)

TwoFiddyMile said:


> Eye.


Brown?


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

Hey where did we go, days when the rains came?


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## Lowestformofwit (Sep 2, 2016)

TwoFiddyMile said:


> Hey where did we go, days when the rains came?


Down in the hollow, playing a new game.


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## 5 Star Guy (Nov 7, 2015)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


Geez I have been laughing all morning, at your expense. I'm sure many here thought of the poor guy with the smell in his car, went to air it out and it was pouring rain, one thing after the other.  Please tell me you are normally more competent in your real job.


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## ptuberx (Jun 28, 2016)

UTX1 said:


> Yes, echo what tohunt4me said... and great job !
> Any lesser driver might have crapped his pants.
> Truly inspiring. 5 stars to you, sir !
> 
> (...makes me a bit emotional...)


Unfortunately, this is the truth...


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## More Cowbell (May 8, 2016)

So ya left in the early morning hours while wife was asleep, come home hours later without any underwear..... 

And your wife believes this story?


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## TomInVegas (Apr 18, 2016)

Fedex that soiled puppy to Travis as an appreciation for his concern for the health and welfare of all his "Partner (sic)" contractors.


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## Fireguy50 (Nov 23, 2015)

More Cowbell said:


> So ya left in the early morning hours while wife was asleep, come home hours later without any underwear.....
> 
> And your wife believes this story?


LOL!


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## Coffeekeepsmedriving (Oct 2, 2015)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


Only Uber XL and up wipe


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## occupant (Jul 7, 2015)

F213 said:


> Just carry a pack of baby wipes. Every time you go to a fast food place or something with napkin dispensers... stock up on those (napkins) too.
> 
> The baby wipes I've seen them as cheap as .99 cents a pack. I learned that from long hiking trips where the first few times I had to use leaves.


 I work during the day remodeling Kroger stores and I love it when I can get baby wipes on clearance. I have about 20 packages in my trunk that I paid $0.18 each for.

I'm not spending six bucks for a canister of armor all wipes when I can just use Huggies and have that clean baby smell in the freshly wiped down vehicle afterwards. I did have one passenger comment that it reminded her of changing diapers and that she was so glad that all her children were now out of diapers.


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## Douglas (Apr 20, 2015)

Why stop at all?


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## shiftydrake (Dec 12, 2015)

Yep you can even have a heated front toilet seat and call it what it really is Uber Poop......."yes ms pax hang on I'll unload your groceries after I wipe"


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

5 Star Guy said:


> Geez I have been laughing all morning, at your expense. I'm sure many here thought of the poor guy with the smell in his car, went to air it out and it was pouring rain, one thing after the other.  Please tell me you are normally more competent in your real job.


Hello, I normally am. However, staying on this toilet related theme, I did obtain a porcelain cut requiring 8 stitches on my finger when using the facilities at a client's (during my real job) office. I tripped, knocked the porcelain lid off so it smashed to the ground. I was not aware porcelain was slipper when wet which it was due to the moisture inside the tank. I picked up a big chunk to put it in the garbage can and it slid due to the moisture leading to the slice. Had to explain that to the boss. This is why I ruled out sitting on the sink to wash myself. I had prior experience with less than glorious porcelain injuries.


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## Trebor (Apr 22, 2015)

It sounds like you do not live too far from the airport. 

1)Why did you just not go home?
2) 6am-9am is the slowest time to be at the airport.


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## Manotas (Dec 2, 2015)

TwoFiddyMile said:


> Eye.


Do not approach the bench


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## uanic (Sep 6, 2016)

Nice stories guys, I have one more. I just shit my pants and backseat rugs. No jokes, pure shit In my car. I hold it for 20 min while going with my pax but in one moment I decided to end the trip and get this things done, so hard it was, my valve literally blew off. Thanks pax was very nice and understand what's going on...


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

Trebor said:


> It sounds like you do not live too far from the airport.
> 
> 1)Why did you just not go home?
> 2) 6am-9am is the slowest time to be at the airport.


The 6 - 9 a.m. timeslot works fine for me. I arrive at about 5:45 - 6:00 a.m. I don't wait in the lot around 26th street (I just found out about that from the forum last week). I found a well lit spot that I like. It leaves me in the queue and arriving at that time, I usually am doing a pickup by 6:15 a.m. so that's not bad. Depending how far the drive is, I don't go back to the airport for a second pickup because if I get back by 7:30 a.m or so, the queue is about 45 minutes it seems. I have a route I do that keeps me pretty busy without driving all over the place. I've done a couple of UberEats deliveries too so I go towards an area where there's more likelihood of getting those if there are no pax at the time. I know people here are down on UberEats but you're not going to be driving 30 minutes either when a guy wants his food. I've found them to be simple $8 dollar rides (no tips, of course..thanks, Uber).

My goals with this Uber thing and not in any particular order except for #1 below are:
1) Don't get killed
2) Make a little bit of money knowing it won't be lifechanging. This is not my real job.
3) Get out of the house while the kids and wife sleep another hour and a half to 3 hours. They are not early risers
4) Avoid PPP's - potentially puking passengers..hence the early airport runs, morning shift, and upscale areas
5) Get home by about 9:30 a.m. to the family

I think my option to just wipe with the pair I was wearing was better. When life serves you lemonades, you don't sit in your car with pooped underwear and drive home. Uber on!


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

UTX1 said:


> Honorary degree from Brown University.


LOL, just saw this reply. Very funny. Glad to say I'm like the fourth round draft pick that starts to play well from Day 1. I've not encountered any more mishaps thus far.


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

More Cowbell said:


> So ya left in the early morning hours while wife was asleep, come home hours later without any underwear.....
> 
> And your wife believes this story?


With my track record, this story is much more believable to my wife than had I come home and told her I had been up to no good with a pax. She would have laughed more heartily at the latter.


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

Uberdude1267 said:


> With my track record, this story is much more believable to my wife than had I come home and told her I had been up to no good with a pax. She would have laughed more heartily at the latter.


This is true.
The marriage is not real until at least one of you has crapped your pants in public.


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## Trebor (Apr 22, 2015)

Uberdude1267 said:


> The 6 - 9 a.m. timeslot works fine for me. I arrive at about 5:45 - 6:00 a.m. I don't wait in the lot around 26th street (I just found out about that from the forum last week). I found a well lit spot that I like. It leaves me in the queue and arriving at that time, I usually am doing a pickup by 6:15 a.m. so that's not bad. Depending how far the drive is, I don't go back to the airport for a second pickup because if I get back by 7:30 a.m or so, the queue is about 45 minutes it seems. I have a route I do that keeps me pretty busy without driving all over the place. I've done a couple of UberEats deliveries too so I go towards an area where there's more likelihood of getting those if there are no pax at the time. I know people here are down on UberEats but you're not going to be driving 30 minutes either when a guy wants his food. I've found them to be simple $8 dollar rides (no tips, of course..thanks, Uber).
> 
> My goals with this Uber thing and not in any particular order except for #1 below are:
> 1) Don't get killed
> ...


In all fairness, I have had to get ride of some underwear to while Ubering also. Its bound to happen to all of us. Mine wasn't so much there was no toilet paper, but I suppose I ate something and since I usually drive early mornings starting at 2am just because there "might be a surge", it took longer than expected to find a place that was open. Especially considering I was out in the suburbs at the time. I pee out side all the time, but I can't bring my self to defecate.

Like yourself, I go when my kids are sleeping on the weekends. They go to bed about 9pm, so I will sleep until almost 2am and wake up and leave. Its not worth the time spent away. Typically I will drive till about noon, given weekend traffic doesn't start to back up, or I am not "more sleepy" than usual, so I am not trying to say you are going at a bad time. In fact, that is the best time if your playing your cards right.

It could be in your market, there is not enough airport drivers so you are really lucky. In mine, this is not the case, which is why in my last post I said 6am-9am is the worst time to hang out at the airport.

Reason being, not too many planes are coming in at that time, besides your long distance/delayed flights. Most airports do not start their departure operations until 6am, mostly due to noise ordinances. When I read the laws briefly, I remember something about, if a plane departs between this time and this time, they have to pay a fine. I'm sure there are ways around it, but I am not a lawyer. Arrivals though are anytime. But since a lot of cities have airports in the city, we see a huge decrease in arrivals. after 1am. If a plane takes off at 6am from another city, its likely they will arrive no earlier than 8am. Every weekend, I look at the airport queue and between 6am and 9am its usually a 2+ hour wait. It starts to come down after that, but there is usually a pretty long wait throughout the day, since the weekend warriors are out. Why would someone go to the airport at 6am and sit there? Because they had a rider take them, so they figure to wait to not put on any "dead miles". For me, I would rather dead mile to go catch more airport runs.

Now, I do have to tell you, I agree with you 100% on airport rides being safer but this does not prevent drunks or vomit.

Airport riders should of been screened by TSA, so they should not have any weapons on them.

I have had a few drunken airport passengers. (you can drink on the plane)

I also had a older lady just the other day tell me she is not going to talk much like usual because she hasn't been feeling well. I thought she would of been a puker, because she did look like it. Although, she was not drunk and being older, I am sure she can throw up in the bag I provided, in a nice and clean way. If not, there was no way she was going to be able to move fast enough to get her head out the door and puke. I grab 2 liter bottles of water for my personal use before I leave the house. She was the FIRST one I EVER gave water to... just because she looked like a Grandma. She did not puke though. Of course, no tip for my water. But oh well, she was old and sick.

My schedule is as follows:
Yes, Ill pick up drunks at 2am Saturday and Sunday Mornings in our bar areas. (Texas cut off time for sales is 2am, so we have a mad rush at 2am). Usually shorter rides now, $20-the 2 o clock hour is my new average. From there, I go to the side of town that has a huge concentration of strip clubs (Houston is known as stripper city) and they mostly close at 4am. From there, I hang out by a spot that encompasses a lot of hotels and 30 miles from our airport (Houston has plenty of hotels since we are gearing up for Super Bowl, more are more Uber busy than others, so you have to play around in your town also). When I start getting airport rides, I simply dead mile with the app on of course, back to the hotels and do this until

1) Noon at the latest (typical check out time)
2) Traffic is getting backed up because of weekend construction/traffic or what not.
3) If I am waiting longer than 15 minutes once I get to the hotels, and my next rider is 2 blocks away, (this means, a lot of drivers are out) If the next pickup is still a couple of miles away, I'll come back, this means Uber was just not busy. 
4) My nap earlier did not suffice.

I do have my "safer" spots to hang out at and can close my eyes without anybody bothering me until the next ping. One of them being a parking garage in downtown that my "real" job pays for. I typically go here and set the destination to the airport if the drunks are not being surged, this way, the pings are filtered out long enough so the other drivers come home and open up my radius to the downtown hotels.


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

Trebor said:


> In all fairness, I have had to get ride of some underwear to while Ubering also. Its bound to happen to all of us. Mine wasn't so much there was no toilet paper, but I suppose I ate something and since I usually drive early mornings starting at 2am just because there "might be a surge", it took longer than expected to find a place that was open. Especially considering I was out in the suburbs at the time. I pee out side all the time, but I can't bring my self to defecate.
> 
> Like yourself, I go when my kids are sleeping on the weekends. They go to bed about 9pm, so I will sleep until almost 2am and wake up and leave. Its not worth the time spent away. Typically I will drive till about noon, given weekend traffic doesn't start to back up, or I am not "more sleepy" than usual, so I am not trying to say you are going at a bad time. In fact, that is the best time if your playing your cards right.
> 
> ...


I'm finding out alot about different laws or ordinances. But here, I guess we have alot of international flights. My 6 - 6:15 a.m. airport passengers have tended to be Brazilians and others coming on an international flight. If they're drinking at that time, that's just bad luck but most have just been sleepy. One lady slept 50 minutes while I drove her home. That was a decent day for my purposes..$63 in 3 hours on just two trips. I went from Miami to her house 50 minutes away near Ft. Lauderdale. As I was leaving her area, I left the app on because it was a high end area and within minutes got a ping for a hotel pickup to go to Ft. Lauderdale. I did the two drop-offs, was happy with my earnings for the time invested, and headed home. I think I mentioned I'm not doing bar runs, stripper/hooker runs, etc. I'm just doing 6 - 9 a.m. Saturday and Sunday and some weekday runs while the kids are at school and if I'm done with my work for my real job. I've only been doing it 3 weeks now but it's fun for me so far. If one is doing it as their "real job", I imagine the no tipping and Uber pay, etc., gets more annoying.


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## ptuberx (Jun 28, 2016)

Douglas said:


> View attachment 64860
> Why stop at all?


Invented by NASA, when you just have to make that 900 mile trip...


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## Coconutz (Mar 8, 2016)

People have time to eat during ubering??? Uber manoeuvres, pls share!!!


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

I don't eat but my shifts are short. I don't want the car smelling like my "Ubereats".


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## Hak (May 18, 2015)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


That's why, I always have an empty water bottle in my car! I only use it to wash though, never use for other purposes!


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## luvgurl22 (Jul 5, 2016)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


Sorry.I would have warned you about that.Most times there isn't even a bathroom to use so I stay dehydrated  I guess that's another deductible at tax time?


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## 60000_TaxiFares (Dec 3, 2015)

TwoFiddyMile said:


> It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.


Huh... A Tale of (#) Two Cities.....

Now you've got me doing it....

this site absolutely corrupts...

Uber corrupts absolutely.

CC

...


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## Oscar Levant (Aug 15, 2014)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


This is way more information that I wanted to know


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## No Other... (Sep 21, 2016)

No Coffee in morning the for some drivers... 
If you love coffee get up a hour before driving

You got the forum in stitches...


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## Sandra mae (Oct 3, 2016)

Wow it's my first day and this is first thing to read ? A little TMI..but on a positive note ,thank goodness you weren't wearing G-string underwear.


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## Manotas (Dec 2, 2015)

Sandra mae said:


> Wow it's my first day and this is first thing to read ? A little TMI..but on a positive note ,thank goodness you weren't wearing G-string underwear.


In that case he would have gone home missing his socks LOL


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## earnmorewhiledriving (Oct 5, 2016)

...from Uber Pool to "Uber Poo."


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## af_1132 (Sep 26, 2016)

In all honesty, before opening this thread, I saw the title and thought something completely different happened here.

expecting to read something like...
_"...the pax was crazy for me, wouldn't stop grabbing me and forcing me to come inside. All I could think was, 'this is the best job ever...'"_

What actually happened was more hilarious, honestly.


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## TwoFiddyMile (Mar 13, 2015)

af_1132 said:


> In all honesty, before opening this thread, I saw the title and thought something completely different happened here.
> 
> expecting to read something like...
> _"...the pax was crazy for me, wouldn't stop grabbing me and forcing me to come inside. All I could think was, 'this is the best job ever...'"_
> ...


And browner.


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## indytd (Aug 29, 2016)

Another Uber Driver said:


> I am not a Moslem. I am Catholic.


And your priest is the reason you drink.


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## RotateSpeed (Jun 20, 2016)

Uberdude1267 said:


> I recently became a Uber driver. I figured I'm just going to do a weekend morning airport shift from about 6 to 9 a.m. I don't want any drunks in a mood to throw up or fight at some crazy hour of the morning. This is just something to do while the wife and kids are slow in waking up. I head out at about 5:45 a.m. after having watched plenty of first-time driver videos the last few days. I get to the airport waiting area and see I'm in the queue. The one thing I didn't think about was that I typically funtion like clockwork at about 6:30 a.m. for a bowel movement. After deciding that I will not be able to hold it for 3 hours, I stop at a nearby gas station. I figure things are going as my way as I spot the key laying outside already by the gas station window. I proceed into the bathroom, perform my function, and go to wipe. Foiled!! There was no toilet paper. I look around considering my options. Hmm, walk over to the sink with my pants at my ankles, sit in there, and wash myself like one does to a baby? After visions of the sink crashing down and me suffering porcelain cuts requiring stitches all over my buttocks, I rule that out. Yes, I briefly consider using a piece of a napkin in the garbage can before ruling that out. I finally come to the only possible conclusion. Remove the tighty whiteys and use them as TP, leaving them behind as a thank you to the staff for not replacing the toilet paper. I complete the rest of my shift commando and earn $20.44 for my troubles. Not once on any of the videos I watched did someone warn me to take toilet paper with me. Thanks, Uber pros.


For you.


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## Screwber69 (Aug 21, 2016)

You should always if possible have anything that you use during a normal day. Water, food, extra pack of smokes, extra almost every thin including back up phone in case your primary is damaged you can reactivate the stand by. Always have a change of clothes, at least a gallon of water, hand soap, large towel disinfectant and any medications you would normally take. I even carry a spare pair of glasses, better to have and not need than to need and not have. Here's a scenario you get a trip at 3:00 am to Illinois or out past Chesterfield, you drop off your pax and in a couple of miles you have to go and according to google maps their are no station within 5-10 miles . So you better have at least one roll in your carry case in the trunk. You don't need to go over board especially if driving during the day but over night driving presents it's only special situation like only three places to purchase food. McD, Taco Bell, Jack in the Crack, Steak and Bake, Shitrip trip and that's pretty much it. I won't even get into cold and bad weather driving because I don't do it. Once the snow starts I'm done.


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

Screwber69 said:


> You should always if possible have anything that you use during a normal day. Water, food, extra pack of smokes, extra almost every thin including back up phone in case your primary is damaged you can reactivate the stand by. Always have a change of clothes, at least a gallon of water, hand soap, large towel disinfectant and any medications you would normally take. I even carry a spare pair of glasses, better to have and not need than to need and not have. Here's a scenario you get a trip at 3:00 am to Illinois or out past Chesterfield, you drop off your pax and in a couple of miles you have to go and according to google maps their are no station within 5-10 miles . So you better have at least one roll in your carry case in the trunk. You don't need to go over board especially if driving during the day but over night driving presents it's only special situation like only three places to purchase food. McD, Taco Bell, Jack in the Crack, Steak and Bake, Shitrip trip and that's pretty much it. I won't even get into cold and bad weather driving because I don't do it. Once the snow starts I'm done.


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## Uberdude1267 (Sep 21, 2016)

I'm just driving for Uber on any given day for a few hours. This sounds like you are going to be chasing the surge during an Uber zombie apocalypse.


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