# Two Uber Drivers walked into a bar.....



## Oscar Levant (Aug 15, 2014)

( add your punchline here )


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## Newwber (Dec 11, 2015)

just then..... a termite walked past them and was heard to say... "Is the bar tender here"?


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## Another Uber Driver (May 27, 2015)

............they kept ordering and paying for drinks. The bar tender kept bringing their change and the put it into their pockets. Finally, the bar tender said something about his tip.

"Oh, we thought it was included. Don't worry, we'll give you your five stars when we leave".


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## UberHammer (Dec 5, 2014)

... and they turn around and walk out, because neither one of them can afford a drink.


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## ChortlingCrison (Mar 30, 2016)

Unfortunately for them, they walked in on a taxi convention and were soon chased out.


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## SEAL Team 5 (Dec 19, 2015)

Oscar Levant said:


> ( add your punchline here )


Because their vehicles got repossed by Uber Lease.


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## Undermensch (Oct 21, 2015)

and said "ouch", because they understand physics about as well as they understand the IRS standard mileage deduction.


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## Uberchampion (Oct 17, 2015)

And asked the bartender if he was hiring....


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

The first one asks "How was your day?" 
The second states "I had 20 fares with one tip and made $91 in 10 hours."
The first one goes "So you had a good day."


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

The first one orders "Give me what ever draft beer you have on special and some of your stale pretzels if they're still free."
The second one orders "Give me an imported beer and the steak dinner with all the fixings"
The first uber driver then asks the second "How can you afford that with what we make driving for Uber?"
The second answers "Well I'm retired, I have a good pension plus social security and I just do uber for fun and to get out of the house."
Then the first one goes "**** Off Grandpa, with most of the manufacturing exported to other countries and corporate greed it's almost impossible to find a job with a livable wage. That's why my wife, kids and I are still living in your basement. Lets go home."


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## jodie (Mar 25, 2016)

backstreets-trans said:


> The first one orders "Give me what ever draft beer you have on special and some of your stale pretzels if they're still free."
> The second one orders "Give me an imported beer and the steak dinner with all the fixings"
> The first uber driver then asks the second "How can you afford that with what we make driving for Uber?"
> The second answers "Well I'm retired, I have a good pension plus social security and I just do uber for fun and to get out of the house."
> Then the first one goes "&%[email protected]!* Off Grandpa, with most of the manufacturing exported to other countries and corporate greed it's almost impossible to find a job with a livable wage. That's why my wife, kids and I are still living in your basement. Lets go home."


Sounds like the grandpa is doing well for himself. No need to be angry at him. Be mad at uber. Uber is the one who hires everyone and anyone. uber doesnt care if you can feed your family.


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## LondonONTdriver (Oct 29, 2015)

jodie said:


> Sounds like the grandpa is doing well for himself. No need to be angry at him. Be mad at uber. Uber is the one who hires everyone and anyone. uber doesnt care if you can feed your family.


Grandpa is part of the problem. The old baby boomers should have sparked riots and changed society over to a resource based economy...


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

jodie said:


> Sounds like the grandpa is doing well for himself. No need to be angry at him. Be mad at uber. Uber is the one who hires everyone and anyone. uber doesnt care if you can feed your family.


I was just trying to state how bad the economy is now and that no matter how hard you work it's hard to get ahead. Back in the 50s and 60s a person could work hard and get ahead in life. Good jobs were out there for the motivated people. Now a corporation cares very little about the work force. You're just a number on the balance sheet and if they can save money by letting you go they will.


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## Undermensch (Oct 21, 2015)

backstreets-trans said:


> I was just trying to state how bad the economy is now and that no matter how hard you work it's hard to get ahead. Back in the 50s and 60s a person could work hard and get ahead in life. Good jobs were out there for the motivated people. Now a corporation cares very little about the work force. You're just a number on the balance sheet and if they can save money by letting you go they will.


You are correct, to a degree. The people who did well in the 60s are also the same people who lost their jobs en mass in the 80s when manufacturing went overseas. It wasn't all roses for everyone in the good old days. Just as it's not all roses now.

Some companies will treat you like garbage. Don't work for them. Some jobs pay less or are at greater risk of incurring layoffs. If you can, try to stay out of those jobs.

You can influence how much you get paid and how secure your future is. You can't control it completely, of course.

I think that, overall, today is more like the past than we like to admit.


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## naplestom75 (May 3, 2015)

...to find their jacka$$ millennial riders who have had them waiting outside for over ten minutes


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## Ben Doerr (Jan 18, 2016)

And they each order two fingers of scotch. The bartender says if you share the glass it'll be half price


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## easteuropeboy (Apr 9, 2016)

.....Than they get drunki and than they call 3 uber driver to join the party ....


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## Ben Doerr (Jan 18, 2016)

They each order two fingers of scotch. The bartender pours two glasses of 5 year old scotch. The second Uber driver says the last bartender gave us 15 year old scotch.


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## Ben Doerr (Jan 18, 2016)

They each hand him a bag of stuff and say here you're stupid customers left this in my car last night


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

The first says "I wonder which one of these lucky ladies I'm going to take home tonight."

The second goes "I think Caitlynn Jenner ordered an Uber but I'm not sure if she's officially a lady yet. I'll leave that for you to find out for yourself."


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## Gabriel Quijas (Feb 10, 2016)

Ask for water as they look for free mints.


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## njn (Jan 23, 2016)

and the bouncer actually helped drag the drunken pax to their respective cars, then asked for a tip.


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## Leftright? (Mar 11, 2016)

And a sign on the wall says "tips are not necessary", so they ask the bartender why? and he says....

The bar is called TK'$ you dumb bastards, now whattle ya have?


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

Because it was the only open bathroom at 3am.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

ok, my turn.....

Two Uber drivers walked into a bar.
You'd think they would watch where they were going.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

I wanna go again....

They walk in and the first Uber driver goes up to
a mushroom and says, "...you look like a fun-guy".


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## Undermensch (Oct 21, 2015)

UTX1 said:


> ok, my turn.....
> 
> Two Uber drivers walked into a bar.
> You'd think they would watch where they were going.


I claimed this one on the first page


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## Leftright? (Mar 11, 2016)

Its ok you are fingerprinted...
well you are now lol


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## wk1102 (Dec 25, 2015)

tohunt4me said:


> How do we know you weren't?


She wouldnt have made it out of my car in the first place I were.


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

wk1102 said:


> She wouldnt have made it out of my car in the first place I were.


Hmmmmm.
OK.
How about that weather ?


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

Undermensch said:


> I claimed this one on the first page


Yea, but it was too technical:



Undermensch said:


> and said "ouch", because they understand physics about as well as they understand the IRS standard mileage deduction.


I don't think I understood it. I was counting deductible miles and got confused. Still funny.


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## Bill Collector (Dec 17, 2015)

Two Uber Drivers walked into a bar..... Each asks other for Uberpeople.net ID!


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## wk1102 (Dec 25, 2015)

wk1102 said:


> She wouldnt have made it out of my car in the first place I were.


Friggen auto correct... was supposed to say, I'd never stalk anyone. Plus I'm a happily married man, I dont even notice what the female riders look like.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

I have so many I'd really love to share....and rather than get kicked off
the forum for a week or two, I'll bite my tongue (ouch) and go take a nap.
.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

The first guy says "I'm so excited! They're having an open mic night tonight at the comedy club. I want to try out my new act."

The second guys replies "I've heard your material so don't quit your day job unless your driving for uber."


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## uberhernder (Oct 27, 2015)

They did the uberpool thing and shared the cost for 1 drink


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## Hackenstein (Dec 16, 2014)

Uber drivers: 'We'll have what the taxi driver is having, but we don't want to pay for it.'

Bartender (ex-TLC Chairman): 'Sure, why not.'


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

wk1102 said:


> Friggen auto correct... was supposed to say, I'd never stalk anyone. Plus I'm a happily married man, I dont even notice what the female riders look like.


That auto correct sure is troublesome.


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

uberhernder said:


> They did the uberpool thing and shared the cost for 1 drink


Then everyone in bar "pooled" a $1.00 tip for the bartender.


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## observer (Dec 11, 2014)

UTX1 said:


> I wanna go again....
> 
> They walk in and the first Uber driver goes up to
> a mushroom and says, "...you look like a fun-guy".


You must listen to the Fork Report.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

observer said:


> You must listen to the Fork Report.


Well, now I feel like I have to. Mandatory mushroom recipes.


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## UberMeansSuper (Aug 3, 2015)

Two Uber drivers walk into a bar.
They missed Happy Hour; drinks are no longer half-price.
They proceed to vent to the bartender how these non-happy hour prices are really a scam and that's why they rather drink when prices are not so high.

They order one $6 margarita and split the cost.

They also draw ★★★★★ on the tip portion of the receipt.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

(...alright the thread's still workin'...)

SO they go into the bar, both the Uber drivers:

Uber driver 1: "why did you bring me in here ?"
Uber driver 2: " Oh man, this place is the best !"
Uber 1: why ?
Uber 2: " well for starters, they buy you drinks all nite."
Uber 1: Really ?!!?
Uber 2: " ya, for real ! Then when you're good n' drunk,
they'll let you go upstairs and have sex for like 2 hours !"
Uber 1: " you're telling me this happen to you ?"
Uber Driver 2: "no not me, my sister told me about it.
she comes here just about every weekend." 

btw: this might not be as funny if the 2 Uber drivers were females,
but I would support the idea anyway, since they're at the bar already,
don't see anything wrong if they get their cookies too!


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

UTX1 said:


> (...alright the thread's still workin'...)
> 
> SO they go into the bar, both the Uber drivers:
> 
> ...


Funny funny shite right there. Alright this one has raised the bar a little but unfortunately the drivers know uber doesn't believe in raises. That's the real reason they're going into the bar to get friggin wasted.


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## Ben Doerr (Jan 18, 2016)

They walk into a bar with a for sale sign in the window. Each order a glass of beer. The barkeep know Uber drivers so he charges a dollar fifteen.
Uber driver says no wonder the place is for sale with prices that cheap.
Barkeep says are you kidding that glass of beer cost me $0.15 I just made $ 1 profit
The two drivers look at each other and decided to buy the place.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

Ben Doerr said:


> They walk into a bar with a for sale sign in the window. Each order a glass of beer. The barkeep know Uber drivers so he charges a dollar fifteen.
> Uber driver says no wonder the place is for sale with prices that cheap.
> Barkeep says are you kidding that glass of beer cost me $0.15 I just made $ 1 profit
> The two drivers look at each other and decided to buy the place.


...and they lived happily every after.....

Folks, this is a true story....well, maybe....

Rumor has it that this is how The U bar, located at 1220 Locust Street, Philadelphia, PA got its start.....kinda of, sort of, ya' know ?


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

Ben Doerr said:


> The two drivers look at each other and decided to buy the place.


You forgot to mention that it was a long, amorous look that was full of lust and desire.

.....they barely made it back to the motel six.


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## Manotas (Dec 2, 2015)

...they bring their own bottles:
-bartender offers drinks from their bottles to other people in the bar, pays the drivers $0.75 for every dollar made, keeps the tips, also kept the cover charge (booking fee) for 1 drink minimum he charged everyone.
...then the 2 drivers asked if they can refer more drivers to bring their own bottles
-bartender says says and I'll give you $5 after 10 drinks sold from their bottles


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## wk1102 (Dec 25, 2015)

... and the bartender asks for his free water.


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## Russ Reed (Mar 30, 2016)

Anybody up for a game of "pool"!


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## UberLou (May 5, 2015)

The Bartender told them to work at the bar and they could make $1500 a week. Before doing any real research and understanding how the business worked they accepted the offer. A few weeks in they realized there were not making nearly that amount and they were being treated like pure work slaves but since they were getting some money deposited once a week they assumed they were making money and just kept on taking the abuse. They continued to blame everyone and everything for their failures refusing to believe their poor choice was theirs.


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## BurgerTiime (Jun 22, 2015)

...walk into a bar, sat down, ordered each a shot and and beer. Looked down at their phones together, deleted the driver app and cheered! ............They walked out free men.


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## Brad Stevenson (Oct 14, 2015)

and starting complaining about everything and acting like everyone else is to blame even though they knew what they were getting into


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

Two uber drivers walk into a bar and ask the bartender if he wants to open his own bar. They say all you have to do is download our bartender app and millenials will down load the drinker app. You'll serve alcohol from your home at half the price. You probably already have booze, beer and a frig at home. Don't worry about any licensing or regulations because we're a technology company. What could possibly go wrong. Welcome to the sharing economy.


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## UberLaLa (Sep 6, 2015)

backstreets-trans said:


> I was just trying to state how bad the economy is now and that no matter how hard you work it's hard to get ahead. Back in the 50s and 60s a person could work hard and get ahead in life. Good jobs were out there for the motivated people. Now a corporation cares very little about the work force. You're just a number on the balance sheet and if they can save money by letting you go they will.


Good. Now go fix it! : )


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## ChinatownJake (Jan 3, 2016)

The drivers ask the bartender for a free bottle of water. The bartender replies: "What do I look like... An Uber driver?"


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## UberLaLa (Sep 6, 2015)

Two Uber drivers walk into a bar. One sits down and the other walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can pee into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. The glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this straight. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Uber driver looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "You got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go" Pulls out his thing. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip. And he gets it all over the place. He's getting the bar. On the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's going everywhere, except the glass! Bartender, he's laughing his butt off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300!" With that the Uber driver says, "Excuse me just one little second." Goes back over to his Uber driver buddy, takes something from him and heads back to the bartender. "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, $300." And the bartender's like, "What are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, you see that Uber driver over there? I just bet him $500 that I could pee on your bar, pee on your floor, pee on your phone, and even pee on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."* -- _And thus the beginning of Refer a Friend Driver Promotions._ 

*Lifted from QT's scene in _Desperado_.


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## tohunt4me (Nov 23, 2015)

Russ Reed said:


> Anybody up for a game of "pool"!


You didn't . . .


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## Russ Reed (Mar 30, 2016)

tohunt4me said:


> You didn't . . .


I surrreeee did... Yes'em LOL


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## Russ Reed (Mar 30, 2016)

( waiting for their table) 

Bartender: Your table is ready!

Two peeps: Ok, be there in two mins. Oh can we split the tab.

Bartender: ( blank stare ) Sure, anything else.

Two peeps: ( walks to booth ) There's 12 of us.

Bartender: Only 6 can-

Two peeps: THANKS! NAILED IT!


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## Dback2004 (Nov 7, 2015)

2 Uber drivers walk into a bar.... where they were told to go by their app

The bartender texts them and says "That's the wrong bar, mine is actually 2 miles down the street. Can you hurry? I'm running late."


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## Travistie (May 11, 2016)

neither one of them hit on me...i hate uber drivers...almost as much as i hate the dirty pax


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

Two Uber Drivers walked into a bar.....

I just accepted a ping from one of them ordering an uber.
MF has had me waiting out here for at least 5 minutes.
Where the hell are they ? He knows better.


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## PeterNorth (Apr 4, 2016)

Two Uber drivers walk into the bar

---Praying they have Natty Ice or Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap. It's the only swill they can afford.


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## Drago619 (Nov 3, 2015)

Who the hell keeps cancelling!!


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## FAC (Mar 27, 2016)

Two uber drivers walk into the bar and the Lyft driver ducks.


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## Just one more trip (Jun 14, 2015)

On a day off two student Uber drivers rode their bikes across campus to a nearby bar. While sitting at the table drinking their beer one Uber driver asked the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second driver replied, "Well, I was waitng for a PAX at the dorms yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second driver nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*_________________________________________________________________*

Uber manager greeting drivers at the local office:


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## UBERxGc (Feb 8, 2015)

With the uber app on so they can get a ping before the other 117 drivers in the parking lot.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

Two uber drivers go into a bar and this really cute waitress waits on them. She is flirting with the younger one while she takes their order. After she leaves the younger one goes on and on about how cute she is and he thinks he should ask her out. "Man that girl is gorgeous I bet she is a 9.5 or a perfect ten" he states. He then asks his friend what he thinks. His older friend's reply is "I couldn't rate her any higher than a 3." The younger one shouts "What are you blind old man how can you rate her that low." His reply is "Well sonny boy I've given her multiple rides to and from work and have yet to see a tip."


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## MichaelxUber (Nov 26, 2015)

Hahaha


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## dirtylee (Sep 2, 2015)

2 uber drivers walk into a bar to

***solicit cash rides***


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## Fireguy50 (Nov 23, 2015)

PeterNorth said:


> Two Uber drivers walk into the bar
> 
> ---Praying they have Natty Ice or Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap. It's the only swill they can afford.


Yep

Fire Dept arrives to extricate 2 drivers stuck in the bathroom window trying to skip out on the tab they couldn't afford!


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## elelegido (Sep 24, 2014)

Two Uber drivers walk into a bar after waiting for their pax to haul their sorry asses outside one time too many. Once inside, they stop, and lock the door.


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## Fuzzyelvis (Dec 7, 2014)

And immediately go behind the counter, change the music playing, turn the volume up, adjust the thermostat, and tell the bartender they wouldn't have mixed the drinks the way he's doing it.

After getting home 20 miles away, they call him to demand he immediately bring them their phones, which they forgot at the bar after getting wasted.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

Two uber drivers walk into a bar to hide in the back. They wait five minutes and cancel the request so they can collect five bucks. Rinse and repeat it's the only way uber is profitable.


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## tohellwithu (Nov 30, 2014)

Suddeny it was surging to 3.6x and turn the phone on to pick pax while drunk.


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## observer (Dec 11, 2014)

Ok guys, don't quit your Uber jobs just yet.

Where o where is UberComic when we need him.


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## UberLaLa (Sep 6, 2015)

Brad Stevenson said:


> and starting complaining about everything and acting like everyone else is to blame even though they knew what they were getting into


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## Michael - Cleveland (Jan 1, 2015)

wk1102 said:


> I'm a happily married man, I dont even notice what the female riders look like.


Have you checked to see if you can fog-up the mirror when you exhale?


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## Michael - Cleveland (Jan 1, 2015)

Two Uber drivers walk into a bar. 
The first orders a Ramos Gin Fizz, 
the other orders a Commonwealth (71 ingredients).

The bartender busts her butt making the drinks 
and as as she is about to set them down in front of the drivers, 
one turns to the other and says: 
"4 min 59 seconds, Cancel." 

The drivers walk out together, smiling.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

Michael - Cleveland said:


> Two Uber drivers walk into a bar.
> The first orders a Ramos Gin Fizz,
> the other orders a Commonwealth (71 ingredients).
> 
> ...


Took me a second but I finally got it. Not bad.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

Two uber drivers and a homeless panhandler walk into a bar. After they order several rounds of drinks they decide it's time to go. When the waitress drops off the check all three just stare at it for awhile. Finally the homeless guy grabs the check and says "Let me get this. I think I probably made more today then you two losers."


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## Fuzzyelvis (Dec 7, 2014)

Michael - Cleveland said:


> Have you checked to see if you can fog-up the mirror when you exhale?


 Maybe he's happily married to another man?


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## Michael - Cleveland (Jan 1, 2015)

Fuzzyelvis said:


> Maybe he's happily married to another man?


I'm not into logo or meme T-Shirts, but the one I do own says:
"I'm Not Dead Yet"


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## Dts08 (Feb 25, 2015)

And requested each other...


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## wk1102 (Dec 25, 2015)

Fuzzyelvis said:


> Maybe he's happily married to another man?


He's definitely not...

Not that there's anything wrong with it.


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## stuber (Jun 30, 2014)

...make it a double, and make it quick. I gotta get back to work.


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## Midlife51 (Jun 6, 2015)

Two Uber Drivers walked into a bar..... and sit down to eat their lunches. Then the bartender says. "Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here." So the two Uber drivers look at each other and swap lunches.


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## John Highway (Feb 11, 2016)

Two Uber Drivers walked into a bar...
Both suffered concussions for walking INTO a bar.


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## wk1102 (Dec 25, 2015)

And the horse says "why they long faces?"


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

.....into the bar they go...

The two Uber drivers split off from each other to find some action .

The next day, they meet up with each other at the Airport, waiting for pings....

Driver 1: " So did you get lucky last night ?"
Driver 2: " Ya', how about you ?"
Driver 1: " Yep, sure did !"
Driver 2: " So what happened...details, man ?"
Driver 1: " Well I was having the best time and the sex was great!
I was really gettin' after it, I mean real marathon stuff, buddy.
I can't remember the last time I hit it that good. Totally awesome !
This went on for like 4 hours and then all of the sudden, I jump up and said,
Wait a minute, I just remembered, I'm not gay ! What the hell am I doing ?"
Driver 2: 

****** (long pause)

Driver 2: "So, were you embarrassed ?"
Driver 1: " Nah, not really. It was just a little awkward."


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## Ben Doerr (Jan 18, 2016)

And Travis was there. He invited them to sit with him and bought all their drinks.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

I had to leave before that. Remember ? I think I told everyone I got a ping
but, actually I just wanted to get some air, so I left. What happened after that ?


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## JimS (Aug 18, 2015)

Two Uber Drivers walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


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## Uberduberdoo (Oct 22, 2015)

After a few drinks and on the way out, one admits to the other, "I'm an undercover boss in disguise, name is Travis". The other guy says,
" oh that explains why you didn't leave a tip on the bar you cheap ass"


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## Tim In Cleveland (Jul 28, 2014)

...and were immediately recognized as Uber drivers and are snubbed by every chick in the place for "being over 40 trying to pick up 20 year olds" when actually, they are trying to return a pax phone.
...and are asked "I thought Uber drivers weren't allowed to drink (ever).
...ever have a pax blather on about recommending a ridiculously expensive restaurant and then exit without tipping? (f off, jerk. Uber drivers can't afford to eat here) Same chit as when pax recommend moving into apartment buildings who's rents start at $1500-$1800 a month. I think I will blurt out "I will save up my tips to do that" to those a-holes.


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## Another Uber Driver (May 27, 2015)

wk1102 said:


> Not that there's anything wrong with it.


............are things that tough, Mr. Seinfeld, that even _*you*_ are driving Uber?


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

The first driver asks "So how do like working for Uber?" The second driver says "The women passengers seem to like me a lot more than my ex girlfriend." "Really how so?" "Well they like that they can track my every move, they don't mind that I'm super cheap and they really enjoy that I am so quick."


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## Fuzzyelvis (Dec 7, 2014)

Michael - Cleveland said:


> I'm not into logo or meme T-Shirts, but the one I do own says:
> "I'm Not Dead Yet"


"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!"

"Well You Will Be Soon." (If I put that on a T shirt would anyone get it?)


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## zachnuggets (May 13, 2016)

And each pulled a hamstring because they had been sitting for 13 hours. But they still sat at the bar and ordered a drink because that's the only medication they can afford.


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## KGB7 (Apr 23, 2015)

....and asked for tap water because they can't afford beer.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

they walk in to a bar....

on 6th street, in Austin Texas.
They proceed to get drunk. 
Mission accomplished.
Now they need a ride home. 
They can not call for an Uber or a Lyft.

What should they do ?


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## sporadic (Jan 20, 2016)

Two Uber drivers walked into a bar. Ouch. They didn't realise that TK was lowering it. The first time it hit them at head level, they bent lower and walked under it. The second time round they walked into the TK bar, it hit them right in the gut. They were disgusted and took a Lyft out of the bar, noticing that the mathematically challenged were still trying to do the limbo rock under the bar, which was already at knee height.


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## Instyle (Oct 18, 2014)

Two Uber drivers walked into a bar... with their 3 pax

"Table for 4 please!"
"Certainly guys, but theres 5 of you!"
"Don't worry the last bar said it was ok!"


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## KGB7 (Apr 23, 2015)

Instyle said:


> Two Uber drivers walked into a bar... with their 3 pax
> 
> "Table for 4 please!"
> "Certainly guys, but theres 5 of you!"
> "Don't worry the last bar said it was ok!"


If each Driver had 3 pax, that would make 8 people?


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

...into the bar

One look around and it's clearly obvious that they're in a topless bar.
1st Uber driver says, " let's get a lap dance, it's 20 bucks. "
driver 2 says, " okay, you wanna split the cost half n' half ?"
driver 1, " ok, why not... she can straddle in between.
I'll get one leg, and you get the other. Let's go over there...."

So they order a couple of cheap draft beers and eventually find a dancer 
that will actually dance for both of them at the same time. Not bad looking...
After going back and forth about which song she's gonna dance to,
the lap dance begins and we're off to the grind.....

About a minute later, one of the Uber drivers jumps up and
makes a line for the mens room, seems like he was nauseous.
He comes back out and tells the other Uber driver, "come on, let's go !
I can't be here another moment. Please get me outta here.."

Outside, driver one asks, "what happened back there ? we just blew twenty bucks
on a lap dance we hardly got and left behind two perfectly good dollar draft beers."

Driver two says, " I know, I'm sorry.... I just couldn't continue. The dancer looked just like
my momma and when she started grinding on us, I got a little sick to my stomach."

Driver says, " Well, maybe next time we'll have better luck."
Other Driver says, " Next time, we'll just go see my mom instead ! She only charges $5 and it's BYOB !"


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## tommyboy (Mar 10, 2016)

In this country duck a job you will be underpaid over worked. Figure out some way to start a business small at first just go buy something anything and sell it for a profit your life will change that day. Salesman are the highest paid and most independent people in this country and you can't get fired. Just use your head be straight up and start doing it


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

tommyboy said:


> In this country duck a job you will be underpaid over worked. Figure out some way to start a business small at first just go buy something anything and sell it for a profit your life will change that day. Salesman are the highest paid and most independent people in this country and you can't get fired. Just use your head be straight up and start doing it


This must have been the conversation overheard inside when the 2 uber drivers went into a bar....


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## tommyboy (Mar 10, 2016)

That's why they left the bar relized the only money to be made there is for the owners selling suckered booze. I stay out of bars there legalized drug dens thar provide the system money . TAXES FINES ATTORNEYS U YOU KNOW WHAT bar stands for BRING ANOTHER ******


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## tommyboy (Mar 10, 2016)

I want to apologize for using the ret word it's not right to use that word due to a medical condition it's often used to decries I meant it to mean stupid. Sorry if I offended anyone it was not intended to hurt just express my attitude about bars in general. They get good people in trouble every day. Drink at home cops are hanging outside them for one reason to put you in jail and take your money . It's not the cops fault either they are ordered to do it Every body is talking about Austin one customer pointed out the 15 reduction in dui cost them20millon and they wanted to make it up charging a rider fee to uber things are not ALWAYS as they appear


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## USArmy31B30 (Oct 30, 2015)

Travis Kalanick is the bartender, he busted out laughing so hard as he pointed his finger at the drivers and yelled out "SUCKA FOOLS!!!"


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

Lemme get this back on track......

SO, the 2 Uber Drivers walk in to a bar...

The first driver says, " Let's have a drink. How much money you got ? "
Second one says, " Well I took in some tips last night, let's see here...
(he's counting it out) .....three...four....five...dollars..aaannnd...twenty five cents."
First Uber says, " who gave you 25 cents ?" 
2nd Uber says, " just about everybody." 

actually, none of that was true...he found the money in the seat cushions
when he has cleaning out the car. Nobody _really_ gave him a tip.


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## bezi_NY (Feb 28, 2015)

Oscar Levant said:


> ( add your punchline here )


And the bar tender yells "bathroom is for customers only! Go to the halal place next door!" Uber drivers


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## Wil_Iam_Fuber'd (Aug 17, 2015)

Oscar Levant said:


> ( add your punchline here )


And the bartender says, "Sorry fellas, private club, we don't accommodate service animals."

Or

"Oh good, they sent two of you. Your customer's in the can, mostly not drowning in his vomit. Take the alley door out please."


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

Two uber drivers walk into a bar and order a couple rounds. Their conversation switches to politics as one is a Democrat and the other a Republican. The dem thinks Hillary is going to save the day while the other firmly believes Trump will make America great again. After the third round of drinks their argument gets heated and the bartender breaks it up. They then ask for his opinion. The bartender then informs them that Obama's right hand man David plouffe runs ubers pr and Fox's Murdoch is an initial investor. So you're both crazy if you think either party cares a crap about you. Corporation have now bought off both parties and they only want drivers who are smart enough to drive passengers from point a to b without getting into an accident. And dumb enough not to realize that they're not making any money in doing so. Well the good news is that uber is spending billions on driverless car technology to put you guys out of a job so you won't have to worry about it much longer.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

into the bar.....

First Uber driver: " How'd you do today ?"
Other driver: " not bad, made about seventy in three hours, how about you ?"
Driver: " I just made two grand !"
Other Driver: "Doing what ? Certainly not Uber ! Show me 'da money"

Driver's holding a wad of benjamins, tucks it back in his pocket.

Driver 1: " I decided to become an '''_Uber Escort_''', if you catch my drift.
Driver 2 :" So you're driving uber and getting paid to screw ?"
Driver: " If you wanna think of it like that, but I'm ok with it."
Other Driver: " Are you sure you're not a Lyft Driver ?
Ho Driver: "Okay, you got me. "

...and they lived happily ever after. The End.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

An uber driver and lyft driver walk into a bar. Who gets served first???

Multiple choice:
A) Lyft driver because they believe in tipping.
B) The one with the biggest tata's.
C) My favorite. The one that can suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

backstreets-trans said:


> An uber driver and lyft driver walk into a bar. Who gets served first???
> 
> Multiple choice:
> A) Lyft driver because they believe in tipping.
> ...


I chose "C".....and then, two Sumo wrestlers walked in with 
even bigger man-teets and totally screwed up the joke. I'm so disappointed.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

UTX1 said:


> I chose "C".....and then, two Sumo wrestlers walked in with
> even bigger man-teets and totally screwed up the joke. I'm so disappointed.


I edited c but your joke still applies.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

backstreets-trans said:


> I edited c.


okay. I'll fix it.


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## UTX1 (Dec 7, 2015)

backstreets-trans said:


> An uber driver and lyft driver walk into a bar. Who gets served first???
> 
> Multiple choice:
> A) Lyft driver because they believe in tipping.
> ...


I chose "C"....and then Arnold Palmer shows up and wants his golf ball back
and it was a total buzz kill ! Thanks a lot Arnie !


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## Uberjaye (Jan 11, 2016)

And then walked right out because they realized they didn't make enough money that day to buy a beer.


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## backstreets-trans (Aug 16, 2015)

What do you call an Uber driver who is deactivated for no apparent reason???

Lucky!


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## living_the_dream (May 14, 2016)

Two Uber drivers walked into a bar...
They were both negative and complained about not making much money. Meanwhile other positive Uber drivers with good work ethic were still online and making more money.


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## LADriver (Aug 28, 2014)

Oscar Levant said:


> ( add your punchline here )


Two UBER drivers walk into a bar...

1st driver: "Why are you wearing a shirt and tie? UBER is casual dress, my man.
2nd driver: "Easier to hang and kill myself!"


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## RamzFanz (Jan 31, 2015)

...5 years from now so they sat down, enjoyed their drinks, and still made money because their self driving cars were Ubering for them.

Smart Drivers, smart.


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## Mtlwi (Dec 31, 2015)

...full of people, one guy stands up and approaches them with words, hey bro's we saw you pulled over, but there's room for only one of you., there 19 of us Uber drivers already here, down the street is another bar. On WhatsApp they say there's only 16 of them there. You should hurry up if you want a spot.
If one is staying here, put your phone on the bar on left side where are all the other phones. Today we accept pings from right to left.
P.s. this is a fictional story, because Uber drivers don't go to bars


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