# 2017 - a Vegemited 5★ final Friday update UPDATED!



## Who is John Galt? (Sep 28, 2016)

.
I have previously reported on my 2017 FIGJAM 5★ year * here *,
but I haven't as yet updated you on the good tidings that have since come my way,
due to the appreciation and gratitude of the board and executive of Über.









This screenshot has been previously shown * here *, but re-issued to allow [email protected] once again, the opportunity to genuflect at the altar of my awesomeness. 

I thought I had better get this FIGJAM Friday update loaded as today is the very last Friday of the year. Unless of course there happens to be a time warp........

......and funnily enough, just late this afternoon I had the great pleasure of receiving a request from *Schmanet Janet, and on arriving to pick her up, I was presented with the mouth watering and neck snapping vision of Schmanet Janet and her twenty something year old daughter dressed in character and dressed to kill and on their way to 'The Rocky Horror Show' at the Festival Theatre.

Lordy, Lordy.....the trip from Parkside to the theatre was far, far too short. The conversation and the flirting were outrageous. My rear driver's side door is always, always kiddy locked for reasons which I must report to you at some future time, but the relevance here is that I always get out of the car to open that door as doing so offers many opportunities (to those in the know) and this afternoon was no exception with the daughter who was alighting whispering to me "You obviously hit it off with mum, here's her card. Ring her." Yes....yes ......well...

_You're spaced out on sensation,
Like you're under sedation
Let's do the time warp again!_

Anyhow, back to the subject in at hand, which is - 'the appreciation and gratitude of the board and executive of Über'. As many of you are aware, the Hellenic honey, Huffy and I are.....well, let's just say that there are several pairs of my very best shoes under her bed. After I had provided her with ongoing guidance during one of our recent fortnightly facetime mentoring hookups, Huff very generously spent time enquiring about my Übering. Considering that this was still on the clock, and my fees are exorbitant in anyone's language, I was more than happy to spend time outlining the obvious joys in my continuing partnership with Über.

Funny though it may sound, Huffy was completely unaware of my achievement in 'ticking off' the year in 5★'s. She was obviously over the moon with this good news and apologised profusely for the lack of official recognition. I made it clear to her that the pleasure derived from bringing so many lucky riders to their desired destinations of fulfilment was all the reward I could wish for. She wouldn't hear of it and said she was going to do something very special for me.  It would have been very ungracious to argue with Ms Hellenic Hotstuff, so I just made it clear that I didn't want any monetary rewards.

As we cruise around the various threads and posts on this forum, it very quickly becomes apparent that many drivers are burdened with enormous wealth. Obviously, the responsibilities and risks associated with not only protecting and growing those fortunes, but also the responsible distribution of funds to the less fortunate through philanthropic trusts can cause a great deal of anxiety and stress. I don't mind admitting that I have had my share of pressure and tightness in my shorts chest from this sort of scenario.









Sisters Zoe (left) and Katie Gilbert combat stress by staying active. (that's all I'm saying)
Picture: Sam Ruttyn

One only has to look at Transponder's posts in the Sydney forum to see what can happen when one of our own spirals out of control with the pressure of handling unheard of wealth, particularly if it is in the form of 10 oz silver ingots. It is a sad situation. I was going to elaborate further but I understand the poor bloke is now 'investing' in the next print run of 'Mercedes for Dummies'. I can't imagine this to be a big money spinner, but hey, some need bigger tax write-offs than others.

All of which brings me back to Huffy honey and her promise of something special. The weeks have sped past and I feel now, only now, can I disclose the very personal and heartfelt recognition that she has bestowed upon me. She and I both have differing backgrounds, but we both recognise the ability that each has to bring a different perspective to the other. She recognises and respects my Aussie backside background as I respect and love hers.

Different experiences and products colour our upbringings. Growing up and then moving into my second childhood, one of the most celebrated and authentic of Aussie products would have to be Vegemite. A black upbringing.  Vegemite provokes black coffee provokes Guinness. 

Sadly, like many home grown icons, its ownership moved offshore and for many years it became a division of the multi-national, Kraft. Kraft became Kraft Heinz, became Mondelēz International et al, and all of this, if you are in the know, was due to ongoing discussions between myself and * Warren and Charlie * at Berkshire Hathaway. Nonetheless, after exhaustive discussions between Mondelez International and the Bega Cheese group, brokered and steered by myself with the help of Warren, we finally got Vegemite back on Aussie soil in January this year. This was a significant achievement, and one that was not lost on Huffy.

As we come so very near to the close of 2017, I feel I can now share the gift that was arranged by Huffy in HQ and Warren in recognition of my 2017 5★'s - the 2017 Special Edition - Blend 17. To me it is very special and could never be replaced by silver ingots or anything else.



























Unfortunately, Huffy's sheets got a little Vegemighted, and I can't show the other shots.

And so there we have it. Huffy came (...pause...) through several times on her promise and once again opened my eyes to the wonder and grandeur of partnering with Über the Greek goddess. To have a major Aussie icon dedicated to my achievement in 2017; can only I believe, lift the bar for everyone's future Übering goals and expectations. Who knows, one of you lucky guys or girls may have a product celebration in 2018.

In expectation of a groundswell of interest, I have already opened a channel of communication with Cussons®, the dishwashing people. For one of our fantastic drivers, can you just imagine the glory and adulation in being the 'Morning Fresh' Guy or Girl of 2018. 

Life is good.

*Schmanet Janet - name changed to protect the cast member

edit reason(s): finessing and also frigging around for the sake of it.


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## [email protected] (Aug 2, 2017)

TLDR 
To save you some time trying to work out what that means, it stands for Too Long Didn't Read. As with mots of your posts, I give up reading after the 2nd sentence.

Anyway, I think you had a good swing at it and really went for the title of most FIGJAMed forum member but unfortunately for you, that title was easily won by TONY-T.

There is always next year, but I suggest you start telling us how good you are from the first of January in order to have a chance of knocking the title holder off his post and don't forget you will have stiff competition from other FIGJAM members such as fields Mulder99. No doubt 2018 will bring new entrants who will be vying to be the world's best Uber partners, and they will be telling us about it at every chance they get but I rate their chances at zero when they go up against the names I mentioned.


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## TONY-T (Sep 5, 2015)

[email protected] said:


> TLDR
> To save you some time trying to work out what that means, it stands for Too Long Didn't Read. As with mots of your posts, I give up reading after the 2nd sentence.
> 
> Anyway, I think you had a good swing at it and really went for the title of most FIGJAMed forum member but unfortunately for you, that title was easily won by TONY-T.


Oooooo a groupie!


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## Jack Malarkey (Jan 11, 2016)

Who is John Galt?, I very much enjoyed reading your post while eating Vegemite toast.


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## Who is John Galt? (Sep 28, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> TLDR
> To save you some time trying to work out what that means, it stands for Too Long Didn't Read. As with mots of your posts, I give up reading after the 2nd sentence.


Thanks for the input, Petal. I must say I'm rather surprised. Getting to the second sentence is a far, far greater achievement than I expected of you. Good work. 

I probably should have mentioned earlier, but it is only for you, and your band of fellow TLDR travellers, that the pictures are included. So, once again good work with the actual reading.

Oh BTW, I've made enquires for a product placement for you in 2018, and I'm pretty confident that you may be elegible as the 'Kleenex Kid' or the 'Sorbent Sister'.

Good times ahead 

.


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## Who is John Galt? (Sep 28, 2016)

Jack Malarkey said:


> Who is John Galt?, I very much enjoyed reading your post while eating Vegemite toast.


Thank you, Jack.
As always, it is my pleasure. 

.


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## Who is John Galt? (Sep 28, 2016)

I came across * THIS post * by [email protected] the other night and I had a sudden pang of conscience. It is over two months since I originally read that post, and I must admit at the time, I was truly moved that Über stats could have such an impact on drivers.



[email protected] said:


> Impressive figures. I had to pull over and go offline and rub one out, even though it's surging at the moment. That's how impressed I am with your stats.
> Good thing I keep the wet wipes handy in my car.


To be so overwhelmed with emotion, to be so excited at the sight of those figures and to then have to pull over and satiate your own desires whilst forgoing all monetary benefits of a surge in your quest for the ultimate fulfillment, leaves me a little in awe of your ability to get excited. Did your Dad ever talk about channeling your energies into worthwhile pursuits? Of course he did. You are doing ÜberEats.

The source of excitement was @Churbros figures not mine, but the sort of response by 5STARS and others has attracted and captivated a whole bunch of FIGJAMers and created a real competition to spread the FIGJAM thickly and freely.

Be that as it may, as I mentioned it really is my fault, my lack of focus which is probably leading you to a diminished existence as you constantly crave the latest FIGJAM reports to satisfy your urges as you pull over to dream and drool. With all of the Christmas and New Year festivities and the lucky and adoring riders constantly craving my attention, I have had to forgo keeping you up to date with the latest. This I understand, is completely unacceptable and I am now prepared to bring you up to speed.

I know you have been following my illustrious and glorious Über career since the time you joined the forum. You are I expect, in awe not only of the revealed accomplishments, but my generosity of spirit in sharing them with you. In just the two and a half weeks since the start of the new calendar year, I have accumulated several pages of the latest deluge of admiration, breathless adoration and fawning desires for my attention and if I leave it any longer before I present these gushing sycophantic presentations to you, I know, I just know that you will be overwhelmed with FIGJAM and have to seek assistance to get through it all. So, small bites for a big appetite will leave for a satisfied disciple.

As you are following the story of my fabulousness, you will of course have read of numerous reports of my ability to bring about world peace by * making ladies happy * and they then go home praising my abilities and insisting that their boyfriends send me a message of thanks for my services. Happy Lady, Happy Guy.

Well...... at least until she starts saying "Why can't you be more like John Galt, the Über guy" or "John Galt would never have done that" and so it starts to spiral out of control and there are knocks on my front door at all hours of the night, and another babe joins our happy household.

As I was saying, it is a re-occurring and ongoing theme. Looking after other guys girlfriends, making the girls happy.
Is there any greater pleasure?










Anyhow [email protected] I will try and keep these reports updated regularly so as you can be constantly awesomated as you hang out at the Maccas preparing for the next UberEats delivery.

.


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## [email protected] (Aug 2, 2017)

I've noticed you old codgers love to waffle on. Not just a bit, but a lot.

Just give us the executive summary and you might find that people actually read your posts. If you don't win the FIGJAM award this year, you'll definitely win the waffler of the year award. But I think Sydney Uber UberTopGun Transporter3.0 will give you a good run for your money in that category.

Good luck.


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