# Things NOT to say or do...



## BlueRooftop (Oct 15, 2014)

Things you should NOT say or do as a driver. 

Ready? Go!


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## Jay2dresq (Oct 1, 2014)

I'd be happy to spend 20 minutes in the McDonald's drive-thru!


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## Ehmtbescrewingus (Oct 16, 2014)

Yes of course you can eat in my car..


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## getemtheresafely (Jul 1, 2014)

......Sorry mam, I thought you said Drive not Blvd?


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## Optimus Uber (Oct 7, 2014)

can you stop by cvs so I can get my herpes medicine. So what you doing later ;-)


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## BlueRooftop (Oct 15, 2014)

Oh yes. Please rub on my thigh while I'm driving, dirty old man.


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## pUBERty SUCKS (Nov 2, 2014)




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## Brady (Oct 6, 2014)

Yeah, I don't mind if you...

Cram six people into this UberX
Bring the open beer
Need me to wait 10 minutes off the clock


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## grUBBER (Sep 11, 2014)

Tip is included


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## scrurbscrud (Sep 11, 2014)

It is very helpful for me NOT to have any pax expectations. That meter always starts (and usually ends) at zero. Makes me happy.


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## Samhain13 (Aug 24, 2014)

I'm not familiar with this city.

I don't speak English very well, please be patient.


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## toi (Sep 8, 2014)

I keep a gun n condoms in the glovebox for safety ☺


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## sfdriver1896 (Aug 28, 2014)

tell pax "do you know the difference between a canoe and a uber passenger? a canoe tips"


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## Red (Nov 8, 2014)

That's a good one!


sfdriver1896 said:


> tell pax "do you know the difference between a canoe and a uber passenger? a canoe tips"


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## Orlando_Driver (Jul 14, 2014)

I'm armed !


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## BlueRooftop (Oct 15, 2014)

I just got my license back last week...heh heh heh. That reckless driving course was HARD!


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## Ehmtbescrewingus (Oct 16, 2014)

Buckle up it's going to be a fun ride(laughing like the cable guy)


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## Piotrowski (Sep 9, 2014)

I haven't slept in 24 hours, but it's OK, I just drank a Redbull.


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## LookyLou (Apr 28, 2014)

What year are we in today?


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## IbedrivinUX (Oct 20, 2014)

Scenic route or the streets? The GPS is wrong, I know where you need to go!


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## drivernotfound (Nov 5, 2014)

"My personal insurance company has no idea I drive for UberX. Hahahaha."


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## IbedrivinUX (Oct 20, 2014)

Insurance? oh yeah we all are covered by Uber Ultimate Insurance no problem! They pay for everything and we have nothing to worry about.


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## Sydney Uber (Apr 15, 2014)

Suggested lines when you want to clear the car.

Damn! Do you want to go all the way out there? I'm gonna be late getting back to me Parole Officer!!!


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## Sydney Uber (Apr 15, 2014)

(Coughing Loudly)

Wow! Just back from a fantastic adventure holiday. Tickets were at giveaway prices - I would NEVER have experienced the natural beauty that Liberia has to offer! COUGH COUGH


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## drivernotfound (Nov 5, 2014)

"I had a fever this morning. Not sure why my friend was asking about my bowl-ahh? Weird... Would you like any snacks? Water?"


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## IbedrivinUX (Oct 20, 2014)

Sydney Uber said:


> (Coughing Loudly)
> 
> Wow! Just back from a fantastic adventure holiday. Tickets were at giveaway prices - I would NEVER have experienced the natural beauty that Liberia has to offer! COUGH COUGH


Haaa Chew! Then you say Excuse me just a little cold!


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## IbedrivinUX (Oct 20, 2014)

drivernotfound said:


> "I had a fever this morning. Not sure why my friend was asking about my bowl-ahh? Weird... Would you like any snacks? Water?"


Or Facial tissues I just sneezed on!


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## billybengal (Sep 26, 2014)

I'll just shut up cause it would be wrong to even write it on this forum


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## just drive (Oct 29, 2014)

I like purple


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## Sydney Uber (Apr 15, 2014)

Uber has this new safety feature that black flags drivers if the App shows them doing over 75mph. I've been driving for the past 30hrs and need a break. Strap yourself in!!


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## duggles (Aug 25, 2014)

In Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, "Get dooowwn. Get doowwn noow!


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## drivernotfound (Nov 5, 2014)

"This ride is being recorded. If you say something funny, weird, or illegal, I will be posting a YouTube link on UberPeople."
(Obviously don't try this in states like California where they have crazy anti-wiretapping laws. lol.)


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## Tx rides (Sep 15, 2014)

I'd say this is a no-no!!!!! Yes, that is THE Al Roker 


@alroker: My wife and daughter just kicked out of an #uber car by Saleem of Dial 7 after she complained about rude behavior and charged $10. Seriously


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## billybengal (Sep 26, 2014)

As a condition for receiving my driver's license after my third DUI, the state forced me to have a breathalizer installed in my car. I just had one too many so I hope you can blow whenever this thing asks for a breath test.


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## BlueRooftop (Oct 15, 2014)

Get out of the car, toss the keys to the pax and yell, "shot gun!"


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## RonL (Sep 16, 2014)

My parole officer turned me on to being an Uber driver.


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## Optimus Uber (Oct 7, 2014)

I just started today, you're my first uber ride, well, there were two more before you, but I'm not going to count those, they were just practice runs, besides, they'll be out of the hospital any day now.


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## IbedrivinUX (Oct 20, 2014)

Optimus Uber said:


> I just started today, you're my first uber ride, well, there were two more before you, but I'm not going to count those, they were just practice runs, besides, they'll be out of the hospital any day now.


I love it!
I tell them when asked for the 907th time that day "How long have you been Ubering?" I say Since 5:00 Tonight or 10:00 this morning" and then I say "Oh you mean how long like when did I start initially?" I then answer the question with the correct answer and then say "and 1050 rides so far" and they always say "WOW That is a bunch of rides"


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## Optimus Uber (Oct 7, 2014)

IbedrivinUX said:


> I love it!
> I tell them when asked for the 907th time that day "How long have you been Ubering?" I say Since 5:00 Tonight or 10:00 this morning" and then I say "Oh you mean how long like when did I start initially?" I then answer the question with the correct answer and then say "and 1050 rides so far" and they always say "WOW That is a bunch of rides"


Yeah, when you get tired of answering the same question over 1000 times, you tend to tweek the answer to amuse yourself. Many of them think I'm being serious.


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## IbedrivinUX (Oct 20, 2014)

Optimus Uber said:


> Yeah, when you get tired of answering the same question over 1000 times, you tend to tweek the answer to amuse yourself. Many of them think I'm being serious.


Exactly! Thanks!


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## scrurbscrud (Sep 11, 2014)

Optimus Uber said:


> Yeah, when you get tired of answering the same question over 1000 times, you tend to tweek the answer to amuse yourself. Many of them think I'm being serious.


I tell them I run a hedge fund and am doing a short driver study first hand to determine how much money (or not) my fund will allocate to the ride share industry. If you saw me and heard me, you'd believe.

And yes, I do roll some other great stories for entertainment purposes. They are just credible enuf for pax to believe. Quite fun!


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## duggles (Aug 25, 2014)

Optimus Uber said:


> Yeah, when you get tired of answering the same question over 1000 times, you tend to tweek the answer to amuse yourself. Many of them think I'm being serious.


"How long have you been driving Uber?" and "How long you lived in (insert your state)?" are two questions picky ****ing riders use to test you and pre-determine their rating for you. Especially how long you've lived in the area you're driving. They are trying to ascertain if you know your way around. A good way to get a 4 and an even pickier rider is to tell them you haven't been living in an area for at least several years.


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## scrurbscrud (Sep 11, 2014)

duggles said:


> "How long have you been driving Uber?" and "How long you lived in (insert your state)?" are two questions picky ****ing riders use to test you and pre-determine their rating for you. Especially how long you've lived in the area you're driving. They are trying to ascertain if you know your way around. A good way to get a 4 and an even pickier rider is to tell them you haven't been living in an area for at least several years.


Yeah, some of these pax think that for the shit for pay you're supposed to know every little nook and cranny of their little social environment.

When I get some of these clowns I usually tell them that often with ride share drivers you're going to get someone who lives in the outlying burbs and is just trying to feed themselves, so they don't spend a lot of time in the social environment/location names arena and THAT'S ME.

There are many restaurants or little band/bar areas where I drive that are not even above ground or use street advertising. Every college area, downtown/uptown area, tech area. A lot a lot. And they go in and out of biz constantly! *I don't give a shit about them, don't know and don't care to use up wetware space to give a **** to remember them. Just give me a ****ing address and we'll be on our way. Thank you for your support and biz.*

Oh, I'm going here (X joint) it's the Old X joint and used to be X joint before that. Oh yeah? So who gives a ****?


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## Optimus Uber (Oct 7, 2014)

duggles said:


> "How long have you been driving Uber?" and "How long you lived in (insert your state)?" are two questions picky ****ing riders use to test you and pre-determine their rating for you. Especially how long you've lived in the area you're driving. They are trying to ascertain if you know your way around. A good way to get a 4 and an even pickier rider is to tell them you haven't been living in an area for at least several years.


I tell them, I'm American Indian, I lived here even before your people stole the land from my people. That normally, shuts them up.


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## elelegido (Sep 24, 2014)

"I was only given a short supply of medication when they released me from the secure unit"


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## Robert420 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Don'ts*

Don't ask us driver if we're still donation based.
Know what platform you're actually requesting a ride from when I show up don't ask me if I'm your lyft/uber/sidecar driver not my fault you requested mulit drivers at the same time.
Don't tell me to speed up cause you're running late for work. I'll only speed up under certain emergency caution for an example if you're pregnant an think you're going into labor, If you're an on-call nurse that has an emergency that deals with elder person or someone whom is disabled, and last but not least if you're house is getting robbed most likely this might be a Uber/Lyft/Sidecar driver robbing your house to get the rest of the fare you owe them cause you had them drive 32 mins out of there way so they could drive you to the nearest store that is walking distance from your house.
Don't argue with Uber drivers whom tell you Tips aren't included they're correct on this.
Don't tell me you're going to be an the store for only short periods of time I don't mind waiting but trust me if you're aren't out after 30 mins I'll still be waiting I'll just be doing doughnuts in the parking lot.
Don't call me an tell me i'am going the wrong-way after I called you to verify I had the correct address inputted from your request.
*Do's*

Please, leave your badass kids at home an don't ask me to babysit them either. I'm only your driver an not your babysitter cause if I've to an they start yelling an screaming an cursing at me you're going to find them tied outside to my car mirrors on Kid Leashes.
If you're riding with a child that requires a car seat don't expect me to have one I'll only cancel your ride after pulling up for safety concerns. Please call ahead of times as I don't mind strapping my own purchased car-seat back into my car or letting you strap it in.

Before you request a ride with either Uber/Lyft/Sidecar. Please make sure you're GPS location is accurate before requested a ride.

*Best tip of all*
How-to get a pax that requested you but doesn't wanted cancel because they're afraid they'll get charged that cancellation fee ?
A. Show up with black gloves / ski mask on an tell them it's either rob a bank with me or cancel the ride make your choose an start playing jeopardy music.

I had to troll the topic a little bit with a few jokes.


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## drivernotfound (Nov 5, 2014)

Robert420 said:


> *Don'ts*
> 
> Don't ask us driver if we're still donation based.
> Know what platform you're actually requesting a ride from when I show up don't ask me if I'm your lyft/uber/sidecar driver not my fault you requested mulit drivers at the same time.
> ...


Best post on Uberpeople.


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## Desert Driver (Nov 9, 2014)

BlueRooftop said:


> Things you should NOT say or do as a driver.
> 
> Ready? Go!


"Does this look infected to you?"


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## elelegido (Sep 24, 2014)

Robert420 said:


> rob a bank with me


Bad idea. Uber would want 20% of proceeds, plus $1. Then you've got the tax implications, then extra high speed chase wear and tear on your car, possible low rating / fare correction because you took an inefficient route while shaking the cop cars etc etc. So not worth it.


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## Robert420 (Aug 30, 2014)

Another one don't have me show up an you've a dog gotta come up with an excuse don't tell me your little toy poodle you're carrying in your non-expensive luxury bag is a service animal. I don't mind dogs in my car I just want a call an advance don't wait for me to show-up to give you an answer.


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## Tx rides (Sep 15, 2014)

Optimus Uber said:


> I tell them, I'm American Indian, I lived here even before your people stole the land from my people. That normally, shuts them up.


How does that go over with black passengers? Anyone kick your a$$ yet?


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## Tx rides (Sep 15, 2014)

duggles said:


> "How long have you been driving Uber?" and "How long you lived in (insert your state)?" are two questions picky ****ing riders use to test you and pre-determine their rating for you. Especially how long you've lived in the area you're driving. They are trying to ascertain if you know your way around. A good way to get a 4 and an even pickier rider is to tell them you haven't been living in an area for at least several years.


In all fairness, it is also a common ice breaker. Our chauffeurs get asked this so often they tell me they bore themselves! But their stories seem to matter to a lot of people who call for another reservation and ask for "the Marine", "the Art teacher", "the IBMer", "the CSM", etc....you get my drift


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## elelegido (Sep 24, 2014)

Tx rides said:


> How does that go over with black passengers? Anyone kick your a$$ yet?


I stopped by the Golden Acorn Casino this week. One of many constructed on Native American lands. In it I saw many ******* and bruthas settled in front of machines for the long haul, plugging coin after coin into them. And others playing cards, with the chips sometimes going from Native American to ******/brutha, but mostly the other way.

Reparations in some way, maybe. Inadequate, whatever they may be, definitely.


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## Jay2dresq (Oct 1, 2014)

Robert420 said:


> Another one don't have me show up an you've a dog gotta come up with an excuse don't tell me your little toy poodle you're carrying in your non-expensive luxury bag is a service animal. I don't mind dogs in my car I just want a call an advance don't wait for me to show-up to give you an answer.


Service dogs must either be wearing the special vest or the owner must have papers with them designating it as a service dog. 99% of the time the dog will be wearing the vest. If the dog isn't wearing the vest, its probably not a service animal. A friend of mine is a manager in a Wal-Mart and she says people try to bring in non-service animals all the time claiming that they're service animals. Never have a vest or papers.


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## BlueRooftop (Oct 15, 2014)

Robert420 said:


> Another one don't have me show up an you've a dog gotta come up with an excuse don't tell me your little toy poodle you're carrying in your non-expensive luxury bag is a service animal. I don't mind dogs in my car I just want a call an advance don't wait for me to show-up to give you an answer.


i think you have missed the point of this thread completely.


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## BlueRooftop (Oct 15, 2014)

Robert420 said:


> Another one don't have me show up an you've a dog gotta come up with an excuse don't tell me your little toy poodle you're carrying in your non-expensive luxury bag is a service animal. I don't mind dogs in my car I just want a call an advance don't wait for me to show-up to give you an answer.





BlueRooftop said:


> i think you have missed the point of this thread completely.


Oh wait...I see your user name now. We'll just pretend that never happened Mr. 420


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## drivernotfound (Nov 5, 2014)

Jay2dresq said:


> Service dogs must either be wearing the special vest or the owner must have papers with them designating it as a service dog. 99% of the time the dog will be wearing the vest. If the dog isn't wearing the vest, its probably not a service animal. A friend of mine is a manager in a Wal-Mart and she says people try to bring in non-service animals all the time claiming that they're service animals. Never have a vest or papers.


Is there a huge fine for a fake vest?


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## Tommy Tours (Sep 19, 2014)

screw you and your 1 rating , Im 4.9 it means shit. (In a voice like Jackie Gleason yelling at Ed Norton) GET OUT


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## KeJorn (Oct 3, 2014)

Sydney Uber said:


> (Coughing Loudly) Wow! Just back from a fantastic adventure holiday. Tickets were at giveaway prices - I would NEVER have experienced the natural beauty that Liberia has to offer! COUGH COUGH


Yeah.. definitely a bad idea... The rider might get the last laugh when they contact the CDC and you end up in mandatory quarantine for 3 weeks. Or worse, jail and being sued for the prank. This one tops my list of things never to say.


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## KeJorn (Oct 3, 2014)

_"Here... lemme show you what to do with that glow stick..."_


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## KeJorn (Oct 3, 2014)

I'd move my seat forward and lean way over the steering wheel, squinting... then look over to the rider in the front seat and say, _"hey... I don't have my glasses... can you be my navigator and tell me what that red sign up there says?"
"Wait.. where you going? We're not there yet... "_


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## KeJorn (Oct 3, 2014)

While acting very paranoid... start hyperventilating and saying, _"Holy Sh*t!! F*ck! Sh*t! Sh*t! F*ck me!!.. did that cop just turn around??? QUICK!.. put this under your seat!!_ (as you hand them a suspicious package while wearing rubber gloves)... _"Why am I wearing gloves? Don't worry about it... you're fine... if they ask, I'll back you up and say it's not yours.. I promise."_


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## scrurbscrud (Sep 11, 2014)

Tx rides said:


> In all fairness, it is also a common ice breaker. Our chauffeurs get asked this so often they tell me they bore themselves! But their stories seem to matter to a lot of people who call for another reservation and ask for "the Marine", "the Art teacher", "the IBMer", "the CSM", etc....you get my drift


With Uber there is no driver loyalty requirement. They couldn't get a driver they wanted if they paid for it. Most pax don't give a damn anyway. They want from point A 2 B for $4. Less would be even better for them. AND the pax get the privilege of being able to monkey hammer any driver they feel like for their 4 bucks just because they had a bad meal or it's cold outside or they had to walk 2 car lengths where the driver had to park safely.


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## Tx rides (Sep 15, 2014)

scrurbscrud said:


> With Uber there is no driver loyalty requirement. They couldn't get a driver they wanted if they paid for it. Most pax don't give a damn anyway. They want from point A 2 B for $4. Less would be even better for them. AND the pax get the privilege of being able to monkey hammer any driver they feel like for their 4 bucks just because they had a bad meal or it's cold outside or they had to walk 2 car lengths where the driver had to park safely.


Still a common icebreaker  But if what you described is the target pax, this "innovation" will be dead by EOY 2015


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## KrisThuy (Aug 6, 2014)

"i have multiple personality disorder, so... who would u like to drive u today?"


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## KrisThuy (Aug 6, 2014)

"i need to replace my tire soon"
75mph in the middle freeway lane


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## scrurbscrud (Sep 11, 2014)

Tx rides said:


> Still a common icebreaker  But if what you described is the target pax, this "innovation" will be dead by EOY 2015


The clientele are largely punk kids who don't give a damn. A lot of the drivers are too.


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## KrisThuy (Aug 6, 2014)

"maam for ur safety pls fasten ur seat belt, incase i fall asleep"


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## KrisThuy (Aug 6, 2014)

those are my top three choose them wisely


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## scrurbscrud (Sep 11, 2014)

Tx rides said:


> Still a common icebreaker  But if what you described is the target pax, this "innovation" will be dead by EOY 2015


It will die on hard math when drivers figure out they don't make squat. I don't even turn the app on anymore except to see if it's surge. Otherwise, off.


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## BlueRooftop (Oct 15, 2014)

Hand the pax a spray bottle of Febreze and say, "You may need this...I've had the worst gas today!"


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## Frank Martin (Nov 12, 2014)

Give me a 5 star rating, mother****er!


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## UL Driver SF (Aug 29, 2014)

Don't ever put a passenger in the trunk when you already have another body wrapped up in there.


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## johnywinslow (Oct 30, 2014)

best bet is simply after hello and how are you. I don't say a word unless spoken to!


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## Mazda3 (Jun 21, 2014)

Would you like to see my new hammer?


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## LenV (Aug 19, 2014)

Excuse my cough. I just got back from Liberia.


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## yoo (Jun 24, 2014)

PAX: How long to my destination?

Driver: 15 minutes

PAX: I'm late. Can you do it in 5 minutes?


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## PT Go (Sep 23, 2014)

Bill Murray as John Winger in Stripes: Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.


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## UberxOCdriver (Nov 11, 2014)

Do you need ride back?. Just use my square I could save 20% +$1 and no star required


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